In a few months, I’ll make 25, but I have never felt this low in my life – in all areas. I haven’t yet figured out my ultimate purpose. Some people say one’s passion leads them to their life purpose, but currently I have no skill or talent that I can brag about. I keep trying this and that just to see how it turns out but the constant disappointment makes me feel lost, anxious, and hopeless.
The truth is I think I know what I want out of life. (I even have a vision board). The problem is I don’t know how or when it will happen.
Two and a half years ago, I finished University. Luckily, I immediately got an internship as a journalist/blogger. I must say, it felt like a blessing at the time. In fact, some people consider me as a writer now, because (I was eventually retained and have been ‘blogging’ for quite some time now). Unfortunately, I have no idea if it’s right for me or not.
I would love to be a credible journalist and humorous writer … you see, but frankly I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve this. And because of this lack of faith, I have lost interest in my job. There’s nothing motivating about it anymore. I reach at work and spend half of the day going through my social medial feeds, back and forth. I then spend the other half of the day napping on my desk. If my boss gets to know this, I’ll definitely be thrown out. (Which I hope doesn’t happen soon). What would I do? How would I pay my bills?
I would love to quit this job and start on my career, which centers on IT. However, am afraid I am running out of time yet I still don’t have a company/organization in mind to apply to. Even if I did, I would have to start off as an intern. Why? Who would hire someone with absolutely no field experience? And if I start off as intern, how will I survive the city life? Rent, food, other bills? I feel trapped.
My love life is a joke, 3 exes that I keep juggling. I know going to back to an ex is not healthy, (more like re-reading a book that you already know it’s ending), but I keep falling into their arms over and over again. This wounds my self esteem all the time. But why do I keep doing it? What’s wrong with my self-will?
I would love to leave all of them and wait for a new person; irrespective of how long it takes, but I’m afraid ‘this new person’ won’t like me … considering that I’m now 219 pounds and still shooting up. Maybe I’m in denial … because personally I don’t think it’s that bad, but the way people keep reminding me, every freaking time, how F A T I have become … destroys me. From my mother, to aunties and uncles, to workmates, strangers, lovers, … basically everyone. My body shape is ruined, my face is round … covered up in acne spots and honestly I don’t see how a cool gentleman would pick interest in me. Maybe it’s just my insecurities talking but I feel like I’m yet to prove them right.
Remember how I said my job no longer motivates me? Well, another reason is that the pay is stagnant. I don’t see a salary increase happening in the near future. Yet I have all these things I want to buy and improve. Like cleaning my closet, buying cosmetics for my face and generally not falling into debt again. But how will I do this with the160 dollars I make per month. Yes, to some it’s a lot, and I’m grateful that I make that amount. But if I put modesty aside and be honest with myself, it’s not enough to cater for most of my urgent desires.
I don’t have close friends, I have no best friend. Apart from workmates, my ‘boyfriends’, a few people I went to school with, and acquaintances, I don’t have close friends that I can count on. This bothers me a lot. Is it because my mum and dad have no best friends or is it because I am the only child and grew up alone? Whatever the answer is, I wish I had more genuine friends and maybe 1 or 2 best friends.
And then there’s the social media ‘deficit’. I greatly envy people with a huge following on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I wish I was as funny, as good looking, as successful as those people; maybe I would be one of the ‘social influencers’. Probably make money out of that fame. Would be nice!
I tried to read about this kind of crisis, my mid-twenty crisis or my quarter-life crisis, and discovered that it happens to most people. One psychologist actually said it’s inevitable.
Have you ever gone through one?
See what I came across;
The researchers suggest the ability to regulate your emotions will come with age and experience, but you can focus on a few major components to speed up the process. Start by being more self-aware of how you’re feeling, and how you react to the people and situations you face. If you struggle with it, start a journal and put your thoughts and feelings on paper. Writing about how I feel … (like this article) … has helped me a great deal. Be aware of what you say too. Listen to the words you use and reflect on them. How do you sound? How would you interpret what you said? Develop a healthy perspective on your life, stop pitying yourself, and harness the awesome powers of gratitude. We all get stressed, but if you can step back and appreciate the good around you, you’ll see that life probably isn’t so bad. You aren’t your emotions. Just because you feel lost right now doesn’t mean you are, or that you’ll always feel that way…
Also listen to this;