Have you ever had an intimate moment with someone you love but did not enjoy it at all? Have you ever faked an orgasm? Have you ever tried to talk to your partner about that ‘coitus’ that lasted four and a half seconds? Did you look for the softest words to use without hurting his ego or you just let it go hoping it would change with time? Did it change anyway? Did you talk to someone? Did you feel understood? Were you relieved?
I don’t know about you, but yes, I was relieved after I scribbled all my sexual frustration on that bloody paper. Matter of fact, the ‘horn’ disappeared after that final full stop. You see, when I write in my journal, I split open. If I am writing about something that antagonized me, I pour all my anger on that paper.
I am not a violent person, so I rarely engage in physical fights. Instead, I write. The words I use can give you an idea of how salty my tears taste at that moment. If I have been betrayed by a lover, you can visualize the thickness of the crack that has been inscribed on my heart. You can get an idea of its depth.
The words I hide in my journal, are the words that I left unspoken. The words that I did not let out because they would have destroyed that soul. Besides, I have often heard people say: If you have nothing good to say, you keep your mouth shut! Yes I can keep my lips tight, but I can’t stand the anger that results from that. So I pour it out in my journal.
Like most people, I have insecurities. I don’t really care how immature, how unreasonable my insecurities appear. My journal knows me to the bone. It’s the only place I can be myself without fearing that am going to be judged. It’s the only place I can be ‘naked’ without fearing that anyone will point out my flaws.
Please take note, I don’t write about the negative experiences only. I write about the good things as well. Like that time at campus when I saw some ‘guy’ for the first time. I hid my feelings for him for two freakin’ years. I never talked to him during those days, even though we were in the same class, never even gave him the slightest clue that I had a weakness for his eyes, but I wrote about him at least three times a day. And the day I finally talked to him (which was basically – hi) I wrote a thesis about those two magical letters of the alphabet.
I can bet, that journal gives me ‘heights’ that a 750ml bottle of vodka can not. I could smoke 5 packs of Dunhill, but that wouldn’t bring me close. Have you ever experienced the magic of new beginnings? For instance, if you have applied for a job and you receive a message letting you know that the job is yours. Thoughts of how you will spend that money, the new people you will meet, the experience, you think about the people who once told you that you couldn’t make it big in life, you think about your mother, your lover, you wonder if they will be happy for you … simply put, the thoughts can cause some kind of jam in your head. When I am in such situations, I pull out my journal and let that excitement out. I don’t know how best to explain how it feels as I let out that excitement, but its more like that feeling you get when you ‘cum’.
By the way, I used to think it was my little secret until I realized many people actually keep journals and value them a lot. Some call it writing therapy, others call it Journal therapy. When you read about it, you will find something similar to this;
Journal therapy is the purposeful and intentional use of reflective writing to further mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health and wellness. It offers an effective means of providing focus and clarity to issues, concerns, conflicts, and confusions. In practice, it is the act of writing down thoughts and feelings to sort through problems and come to deeper understandings of oneself or the issues in one’s life. Unlike traditional diary writing, where daily events and happenings are recorded from an exterior point of view, journal therapy focuses on the writer’s internal experiences, reactions, and perceptions. Through this act of literally reading his or her own mind, the writer is able to perceive experiences more clearly and thus feels a relief of tension. This has been shown to have mental and physical health benefits.
Read about it. Oh the things you will learn!